Mastering Emotional Regulation: 4 Proven Strategies to Manage Overwhelming Emotions

The first step in being able to regulate (i.e. calm or manage) emotions is to recognize when our emotions are DIS-regulated, or out of sorts. This might mean we are in fight/flight/freeze mode, that we are upset, or are unable to calm down easily due to a lack of skills or biological factors. Nevertheless, we each need to learn how to recognize when our emotions have taken over and our logical brain has shut off. Only then are we best able to manage our emotions in healthy ways.

It’s important to recognize whether we need calming strategies to calm down, or physical activities. Then we can start with the best strategy. Often, when our emotions are big and feel more than we can handle, calming strategies – like breathing – don’t seem to work. That’s because we have TOO MUCH EMOTIONAL ENERGY in our body for it to calm down. Here are some strategies to help when we have a lot of emotional energy in our body.

1. Name how you’re feeling and, if you can, how come you feel that way. Naming our feelings can help us calm down by 70%. It also helps us become more self-aware of what emotions we feel. We can also learn over time what causes certain feelings or responses so we can be more prepared in the future when similar situations or emotions arise.
2. Do something physical – walk the dog, jump on the trampoline, run stairs, or do wall pushups. Doing physical activities can eliminate some of that emotional energy coursing through our bodies making it hard to calm down.
3. Ask for a 20-second hug – the length of this hug is important. This will actually shut off fight/flight and calm down the nervous system helping the body to calm down. When fight/flight shuts off it causes a physical response, such as a sigh or the person will physically relax. This may take 10 seconds or 35, depending on the person. If you can, watch for the body’s signal that fight/flight has shut off before letting go.
4. Use a calming strategy – box or 4×4 breathing, drawing, journaling, listening to music, or talking about feelings or what upset us are all great strategies for calming down and processing emotions. Find what calms YOU down. It never hurts to have several calming strategies in your skill set.

Ask for assistance as needed. Sometimes our emotions get larger than we can manage on our own, especially if we don’t have enough, or the right, strategies to manage them in healthy ways. Children are still learning to regulate and developmentally may struggle while they are learning. Be patient and give them some support. Letting others know what we feel, what the problem is, or that we are not okay right now gives them information that can help them help us. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. We all need support now and then.