Today’s kids are different than previous generations and thus, need to be parented differently. Kids nowadays don’t respond well to: “because I said so” or “because I’m the parent” the way previous generations complied. THEY RESIST!
Children seem to come now with a strong need to feel in control of their own choices. And if anyone does anything that seems to eliminate their options or sense of control, they balk and sometimes become violent or out of control emotionally. Agency, or the ability to make one’s own choices, is vitally important to our young generations. They will often make choices that harm even themselves in an effort to prove that THEY, and no one else, are in control.
This should not be seen as defiance, disobedience, or oppositional. It is, in many cases, simply an innate part of their being which is so strong that it often overrides even common sense and safety for self and others. That doesn’t make it okay though, to be clear.
However, these young children may really NEED this skill in future days so we don’t want to destroy their sense of being or their strength to stand for something they believe in or desire. We simply need to harness it and mold it in a healthy manner.
Teaching a child is much like breaking a horse. Children come with strengths and weaknesses, strong spirits, and a bit of wildness. These are not “bad” qualities, they only need to be tamed, or molded properly. There are ways to break the horse which also breaks its spirit. We don’t want that. There are already too many broken spirits in our societies. There are better ways which break (or teach) the horse while leaving its spirit strong and intact. This is what we want.
Taming the wilds within
- Smother children with choices. Choices help them feel in control. Only offer choices YOU can live with and follow through on.
- For example, “Do you want the green cup or the red one?” “Do you want to get on your PJs or brush your teeth first?”
You haven’t eliminated the requirements – they still have to brush their teeth and get on PJs – but they get to CHOOSE the order or manner.
- Establish together, as a family unity, the boundaries of the household (rules and expectations) with CLEARLY STATED outcomes, or consequences. Consequences aren’t only negative, and kids need to understand that. Consequences should be the natural outcomes of our choices. If you can help kids to learn the long-term outcomes of their choices, all the better.
- For example: How does lying create mistrust? How does being mean to others cause them not to want to play with you? How does not being responsible lead to outcomes of job loss, relationship difficulties, or poor social interactions?
Think about these important life skills when establishing outcomes that teach valuable skills over time.
- Let the child EXPERIENCE the EARNED OUTCOMES of their choices – whether or not they like the outcomes. We are free to choose whatever we want. We just DON’T get to choose the outcomes. Even adults have a hard time with this concept. People may use manipulation, guilt, victim talk, fear-mongering, or the idea that they should be the exception to this rule because of some reason they believe should justify this exception for them specifically. Helping kids learn when they are young that their choices have natural consequences, and they know the outcomes because they’d already been established and agreed upon, will help them be better members of society in the long run. Hopefully, they also learn to make choices that get them the desired outcomes that you and they both want.
These tips to diminish resistance work with kids of ALL ages. It can take time to practice and implement these simple steps, but hang in there. It’s worth it in the long run. Don’t give up what you want most – a well-adjusted person – for what you want at the moment – peace and quiet. If we choose to do the hard now, we don’t have to do the hard when the choices have greater consequences.
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