Understanding and Managing Emotional Tripwires: How to Defuse Automatic Responses

Tripwire = the process wherein a pre-set response is triggered by an event, person, place, smell, etc. and which sets off an AUTOMATIC chain reaction.

For most of us, we are fairly unaware of the tripwires which set off our emotional responses, fears, anxieties, anger, or emotional meltdowns. That is because these responses are automatic, determined by our natural fight/flight/freeze response. These are hard-wired into our physical or emotional makeup. They are NOT a choice response. And it’s important to understand this when working with ourselves and others when their responses are set off by a tripwire. We can no more stop the emotional explosion, without learning and skills, than we could stop a bomb exploding once its tripwire has been flipped.

Nevertheless, we can become aware of what our tripwires are, where they come from, and how to manage them. Though we likely can’t stop the initial response without a lot of practice to eliminate the trigger, we can – over time – become intentional about our responses after that. For example, without knowledge or skills, our tripwires will be triggered and we will explode in a variety of different ways depending on what kind of bomb has been set off inside us. Once we become aware of what triggers us, what our responses are, and what skills can be applied to change or eliminate the trigger or the response, we can make lasting changes to the outcomes.

Sometimes, we need experts to help us understand how we are ‘wired’ and how come the bomb keeps going off. Sometimes we need experts to teach us how to cut the tripwires so they aren’t dangerous to us anymore. Sometimes we need others to come in and rewire the bomb so that we can control the outcomes effectively. Sometimes we need to allow the explosion of emotions and memories to occur so that we can begin to pick up the pieces and put them back together in a healthier way. It’s a unique and varied process. A person might, at different times or during different stages, need all these types of experts or processes to move past the negative impacts the tripwires can leave.

In order to prevent devastating destruction in our lives when tripwires unexpectedly lead to a negative or damaging chain of events, we need to first be aware that we have tripwires in our brains, bodies, and memories.

Then, we must learn the reason the tripwire was installed in the first place. This could have been a traumatic event, a scary situation, or a devastating comment from a trusted individual.

Once we understand where the tripwire comes from, then we need to become aware of what the chain of events/responses is once its tripped. This may be an emotional meltdown, or shutdown. It could be an angry outburst, or complete withdrawal. It is important for YOU to understand what YOUR responses are in each case so that then you can make necessary changes.

Once we are clear on the reason the tripwire was set, and what happens when it’s tripped, the next step is to decide how to approach the situation. Do we need to clip (eliminate) the tripwire, process what placed it there, and/or change the cascading chain of events/responses/outcomes? This is likely to require adding some skills. Having the right skills and using them at the most appropriate level of emotional response is key to this process. It might require someone with expertise to offer insights, give support throughout the processing, and teach necessary skills to achieve success.

We ALL have tripwires. We are all subject to automatic responses, whether physical or emotional. A child who was often hit, may withdraw quickly when someone raises their arm without warning. Their tripwire was flipped by the movement because their system recognized it as a threat. Even if in the current situation it is not. Their system responded automatically to keep them safe from harm. Most tripwires are placed initially to keep us safe in one way or another. That’s important to understand. Our bodies are doing exactly what they were meant to do – keep us safe and alive.

By understanding our tripwires, we can learn to lessen the impact when these are set off, or we may be able to eliminate the tripwires all together. Sometimes our tripwires are the words we heard growing up – ‘you’re not enough,’ ‘you are fat,’ ‘you’re stupid,’ or any number of other negative and impactful messages we received from the world around us, or which we created ourselves from our experiences. These can be just as devastating to us as are the physically placed tripwires.

Most of the time, when someone responds excessively or without provocation (at least in our mind), something has set off their tripwire and their body is trying to protect itself from imminent danger, threat, or deadly outcomes. It might be as simple as asking a kid to do their homework, and parents get a complete meltdown. WHY? Because, for that kid at that time that ask felt like a threat, like something that was overwhelming or unachievable, and their wires were tripped and the meltdown occurs. Once the tripwire sets off the automatic chain of events, it can be difficult to stop the outcomes. Over time, with skills and support, we can learn to stop or change the automatic chain of events to improve outcomes and responses.

When we understand that the meltdown is likely a cry for help, protection, or because of fear or overwhelm, does it change how WE respond to THEIR response? It should. Take a pause and determine if the other person’s response is actually setting off one or YOUR tripwires. This might look like parents responding in anger or aggression when a child is having a meltdown. This is because the parent’s wires have been tripped by the child’s emotional response or lack of obedience to parents’ attempts to calm them or get them to do what is asked. For many parents, there is a large tripwire when it comes to children not listening, not obeying, or not complying to requests on the parent’s timetable. Just own that!

Recognizing one’s own tripwires, as a parent/spouse/employee/person can encourage managed responses in situations where others’ wires are tripped. This can take time, patience, and sometimes help, to figure out when our wires are tripped and what our unhealthy or automatic responses are, so we can choose to change them.

The good thing is that tripwires don’t have to be permanent. They don’t have to be damaging. They don’t have to be uncontrollable. We can gain insight, skills, and self-discipline to eliminate, manage, or change our tripwires or the outcomes of our automatic response over time, eliminating or lessening the negative impacts of what we cannot initially control.