The snow crunched beneath her feet. It shattered and cracked, like her life, leaving scars and footprints in her wake. She felt like the cracked snow after being trampled on, with footprints and bruises left upon her heart. The air nipped at her nose, numbed her toes, and bit at her hands. Her exposed skin stung like the emptiness of her hopes and dreams.
Slowly, exhausted in body and mind, Annika trudged along the busy holiday street. The darkness of her existence felt all the darker next to the brightness of the Christmas lights. How had she come to this place? How did she become so empty and broken? She knew, but still questioned and wondered how to crawl back into reality with everyone else who bustled in and out of storefronts along the sidewalk.
She looked at the sea of faces which passed her, unseeing. Despite the twinkling stars and blinking lights, she remained invisible to passersby. How does one become invisible, she thought? Does it happen all at once or a little at a time?
Annika knew that, for her, it had happened over time one rejection after another; one harsh word daily, one forgotten promise repeatedly, and endless ignored requests for connection – any kind of connection. She’d reached out so often receiving little to no response from others that she had eventually stopped reaching, her arms hanging limp at her sides from disuse. She shivered as the winter wind whipped around her threadbare clothes and into the fabric of her being.
Her body ached, and her empty stomach twisted and cramped. The weight of her challenges pressed down upon her weary shoulders causing her to stumble as she walked. She’d had such dreams for her life, such hopes for a bright future filled with loved ones, laughter, and joy. Now, here she was . . . alone . . . again.
A wracking cough rattled in her chest moving around the crushing pain of emotions swelling within her bosom. She wouldn’t cry, she’d told herself. She had to stay strong. Yet, she felt as if the world were pressing in upon her every moment of every day as if she were buried beneath the snow of an avalanche waiting hopelessly for rescue.
This year had been a hard one. Like many other years of her life, it had exacted a toll – the price of existence in a world where one’s presence matters little and is noticed even less. The numbness of her soul seemed to be seeping into her fingers and toes tonight. Small vapors of breath hung in the air before her mouth like all the words she couldn’t speak and all those words others refused to hear. Just puffs of words formed and quickly gone, no one having heard them or known they were spoken, then evaporating into nothingness again.
Out of a shop door rushed a well-clad woman laden with packages. Hurrying to her next purchase, the shopper bumped roughly into Annika, knocking her to the icy sidewalk, then scurried on seemingly unawares.
Hot tears welled up in Annika’s eyes and spilled out all the pain and loneliness she’d held so carefully inside for so long. The fall had broken down the walls of her carefully constructed barriers, causing the dam to burst. The flood of emotions streamed down her cheeks like small rivers of hopelessness. The consumers continued on their way indifferent, their parcels stacked high and their purses jingling with reminders of all that Annika had lost and all she’d never known. Holiday bells and music rang like echoes of empty yesterdays and ransomed tomorrows.
Another holiday season surrounded by people too busy to acknowledge one another, too preoccupied to see another’s pain, and too myopic to see the needs of those around them. Thus, a lonely, bedraggled woman sat sprawled on a cold sidewalk crying. Annika felt completely invisible, utterly overlooked, and broken beyond repair. The chill in her bones rivaled the chill in her soul as she stared at the ground before her.
Suddenly and unexpectedly, a mittened finger trailed the river of tears on her reddened cheek ‘wiping away all tears’ (Revelations 21:4). Annika looked up into the cherubic face of a small child, not more than four, who smiled sweetly at her.
Someone SAW her! Someone noticed her need!
Without a word, the child wrapped his small, chubby arms around the neck of this broken woman. His genuine love melted the icy aches of her heart, seeped into the cracks of her core, and filled her with warmth.
How long had it been since she’d been touched? She cherished this human connection she’d craved desperately for so long. Like the touch of a hem had, through the Master’s power, healed a woman’s disease (Matthew 9:22), this child’s simple hug had healed her heartbroken reality.
After a long embrace, the child looked deeply into her eyes. “God loves you,” he said. “You matter to Him.”
She mattered?!
Her shattered being was mended, the pieces of her life all fitting together to create one beautiful tapestry of understanding and peace (John 14:27). The light from this child’s eyes brought light to her own.
A man offered a hand to help Annika to her feet. She stood, surrounded by people who SAW her, who’d stopped to help her, who’d connected with her in her deepest moments of agony.
She was not alone.
Someone placed a warm blanket around her head and shoulders, warding off the chill of the night. Weight was lifted from her shoulders through the kindness of this crowd of strangers, or were they truly friends, who had rescued her from a silent burial beneath the weight of hopelessness.
Her benefactor who’d beheld her plight took her hand in his small one, looked up at her, and smiled again. She felt seen, heard, held, comforted, and whole. For the first time in a long time she felt safe and “encircled in the arms of [ ] love” (2 Nephi 1:15).
“When ye do it unto one of the least of these” . . . (Matthew 25:40).
In your busyness this holiday season, and always, make time to see, to truly BEHOLD, the hearts and heartaches of those within your circle of influence. To behold means more than just to look and see. It means to “give attention to [ ], to contemplate [ ], to look beyond the present and see [another’s] eternal possibilities,” and to see their needs and their small but significant offerings (Grassli, M 1992. Behold you little ones. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1992/10/behold-your-little-ones?lang=eng#title1).
We are surrounded by those who may feel unseen, unheard, or unloved; who cannot speak the heartaches of their soul or who feel misunderstood. There are those surrounded by others who, yet, feel alone. There are those who feel they don’t belong; and those who are lost, broken, or beaten down by life’s trials. Within our lives are individuals who have, or are experiencing, heart-wrenching events and who are too wearied to carry on without support and encouragement. There are those who have much to offer and no one in their lives who receive their small and sacred offerings – a touch, a smile, a hug, a word, a deed – all are ways we can BEHOLD the heart and essence of another.
For those who relate to Annika in some way, which is likely most of us, know that you are seen and loved. Recognize the simple offerings given in friendship and kindness. Open your heart to receive. Serve others, as this often helps improve our mood and get us out of ourselves. I recognize that, for many, our hearts and souls are burdened and we are weary, body and soul, and have been for long years. Ask for assistance, seek professional help as needed, and find a friend. It is hard, and often seems hopeless. Yet, there is a light, and there is a way out of the darkness. Sometimes it’s quick and sometimes it’s a long process over time. Just take the first step, whatever that is for you.
Remember this Christmas season the One who sees us, hears us, holds us, touches us with His Spirit, and beholds all of our heartaches and sorrows deeply. It is through HIS sacred offering that we can truly be made whole, healed of all the worldly pain and brokenness, so that we can then go forward and heal others through His love.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
Much Love,
Andrea Lauritzen
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