The Impact of Words: Nurturing Connection and Self-Development

1. Exploring the Heart of Communication

Virginia Satir was an LCSW whose new approaches to family therapy have become common in today’s therapeutic settings. The following insights come from her book, The New Peoplemaking (Satir V (1988). The new peoplemaking. Palo Alto, CA: Science and Behavior Books. ISBN 0-8314-0070-6).

Virginia Satir’s insights highlight the fundamental importance of communication in shaping our relationships and experiences in the world. From the moment we are born, communication plays a central role in our development, influencing our relationship skills, self-esteem, and interactions with others.

Satir emphasizes that all communication is learned, suggesting that we acquire these skills through our interactions with caregivers and the environment around us. As infants, we instinctively seek connection, responding to coos, touches, and high-pitched talk from adults. This innate drive for connection is essential for our survival and forms the basis of our early relationships.

However, in today’s technology-driven society, there is a tendency to prioritize devices over face-to-face interactions. Adults may become frustrated with interruptions from children seeking attention, we are reminded us that these interruptions are a natural expression of their need for human connection. By choosing to prioritize meaningful face-to-face interactions over screen time, we can help others feel heard and loved, fostering deeper connections and fulfilling our innate need for human interaction.

Ultimately, Satir’s insights serve as a reminder of the power of communication to shape our relationships and experiences. By recognizing the importance of human connection and prioritizing meaningful interactions, we can cultivate deeper relationships and enrich our lives.

2. Embracing Consistency in Our Messages

During communication, our entire being becomes part of our communication—our words, face, voice, body, breathing, and muscles. When our nonverbal communication is incongruent with our verbal communication, it sends mixed signals and people may become confused at the message being given, especially children (Satir, 1988).

Therefore, it’s important to make sure we communicate, both in words and body language, what we want to communicate. Even our tone of voice communicates. Children feel the emotion behind our tone of voice and will be more impacted by this than even the words used. Stine said, “The voice tones that accompany our words carry our feelings, and the feelings behind our words dig deeply and instantly into another person . . . The intention and pitches of our voices betray the real feelings we have. When our voice tones are critical, children react defensively” (Stine, A., 1978). Love Power: New Dimensions for Building Strong Families. Horizon Publishers & Distributors, Bountiful, Utah).

Negative voice tones convey destructive messages. However, friendly tones convey affectionate feelings to our children. “If we are to convince children they are loved, they must consistently hear friendly and loving sounds from those who say they love them . . . The words we use are not the crucial issue unless we are profane and critical. We can tell children that we do not like something in a way that does not sound harsh and grating. We can ask them to do something . . . Without sounding like we do not like them. The key is in developing ‘love tones.’ Love tones are respectful and friendly. They are free from disgust and irritation. Love tones must be present in our voices if we are to communicate unconditional love. . . . The more we discuss things with children; the more we talk positively when we discipline; the more we learn to request rather than command; and the more we play with children; the easier it is for us parents to break down our prejudices against them. Then we learn to be friendly and supportive and actually enjoy them” (Stine, 1978).

What do your words, and the way you convey them, truly say to those around you? If you recorded yourself speaking to your spouse, children, coworkers, or friends, how would you respond to the messages you present to others?

3. Bringing Our Whole Selves to Our Communication

⇒ “Our bodies—which move and have form and shape

⇒ Our values—those concepts that represent each person’s way of trying to survive and live a “good” life

⇒ Our expectations of the moment, gleaned from past experiences

⇒ Our sense organs—eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and skin, which enable us to see, hear, smell, taste, touch, and be touched

⇒ Our ability to talk—words and voice

⇒ Our brains—the storehouse of our knowledge, including what we have learned from past experience and what we have been taught” (Satir, 1988)

4. Inspiring Encouragement and Discouragement

“The use of positive words makes a world of difference with our own state of mind and how receptive our children are. Negative words conjure up negative feelings. It is difficult to feel and communicate acceptance when we are negative in any way” (Stine, 1978).

Humans, especially children, are highly sensitive to the way we communicate with them and about them. The impact of hurtful words, angry tones, or demeaning language can be profound and long-lasting. Even speaking negatively about a parent or family member in front of a child can be damaging, as it undermines their sense of security and belonging.

As caregivers and role models, it’s crucial to be mindful of the words we use, the tone of our voice, and our body language when interacting with children. Our communication shapes their perceptions of themselves, their relationships, and the world around them. Positive and respectful communication fosters trust, confidence, and emotional well-being, while negative communication can erode self-esteem and create lasting emotional wounds.

By choosing our words carefully, speaking with kindness and empathy, and demonstrating respectful behavior, we can create a nurturing environment where people feel valued, heard, and supported. Our words and actions have immense power, and by using them thoughtfully, we can positively influence the lives of the children in our care, and those in our circle of influence.

5. From Words to Reality

The power of words cannot be overstated. They shape our beliefs, influence our actions, and ultimately impact our well-being. Whether directed towards ourselves or others, words carry energy that can either nurture or harm.

The phenomenon of how words affect substances like rice and water crystals (see videos on my social media throughout the month) underscores this principle, suggesting that our bodies, being predominantly water, are similarly susceptible to the influence of words. Kind words foster health and positivity, while harsh words breed destruction and negativity.

In today’s culture, the trend of “ghosting” exemplifies the disregard for common courtesy, leaving individuals feeling ignored and invalidated. This can have detrimental effects, echoing the severe outcomes seen in cases of neglect, where being ignored can be more damaging than outright abuse.

As a therapist, the commitment to always respond to messages reflects a dedication to acknowledging and respecting others’ needs, even if it means redirecting them to a better-suited resource. It’s a reminder of the importance of compassion and responsiveness in our interactions.

The story, Cipher in the Snow (https://youtu.be/K8gilSEOteE?si=jI8ob9UQc1BZo74m), is about a young boy whose stepfather berates him and whose teachers believe the one negative comment one teacher wrote. Over several years, this boy becomes invisible to everyone and turns inward until he, one day, gets off the bus and dies (literally). This story poignantly illustrates how repeated negative messages can erode one’s sense of self-worth and ultimately lead to tragic consequences. It serves as a stark reminder of the profound impact words can have on shaping our lives and those around us.

Reflecting on the messages we receive and internalize daily is crucial. Are they uplifting and supportive, or do they breed doubt and negativity? Recognizing the power of our words, both spoken to ourselves and others, allows us to consciously choose language that fosters growth, resilience, and well-being. By embracing positivity and kindness in our communication, we can cultivate brighter outcomes for ourselves and those we interact with.

RESOURCES: Communication Videos

Best of the Homefront Series https://youtu.be/CUJRPStarbM – 1970s TV commercials about how our words impact those we love.

Teaching Children Responsibility Series

The Barrier of Assuming https://youtu.be/BntufoEP_Bk

The Barrier of Rescuing https://youtu.be/YURMsnmbc1E

Developing Capable Young People https://youtu.be/Kn2slAZIuKo

The Barrier of Expecting https://youtu.be/ssekbIBZtY8

The Barrier of (-)ISMING https://youtu.be/DyAA81h2NZs

If you struggle to know how to change the way you speak to yourself or your loved ones please reach out to BECOMING EXCEPTIONAL HEALING CENTER & RESOURCES today. I have immediate openings.