Years ago, I saw a video of a toddler climbing a 4’ rock wall. As I watched, I noticed this small girl stopping, looking around, and then often stepping down in order to move forward in another direction. I believe many of us would be searching above or ahead for some better hand or foot hold. However, this child was not afraid to take a step back repeatedly to find the BEST next step. In healing, we often have to look at our past to find those things holding us back. Then, and only then, can we find the next right step forward in our progress.
- Looking Back on Core Beliefs
When we are very young, we begin to develop our core beliefs, those beliefs upon which we base our actions, relationships, and choices. If our experience has been unfavorable, we may develop limiting beliefs that create barriers to our success, health, and connections. Being able to go back to the beginning, and see what created those beliefs, may allow us to change them or remove the limiting aspects of those beliefs so they no longer hinder our progress.
This can be a place to apply some perspective-taking. Perhaps parents were always angry or rarely present; a child may glean from this that they are unlovable, that problems (out of their control) are their fault. Perhaps, looking back with adult perspective, we may now understand that a parent suffered from addictions (always angry) or mental illness (rarely present). Being able to recognize that the parents did the best they could under the circumstances, and that it didn’t have anything to do with their love for the child, may allow the individual to change their belief about their lovability or responsibility. Understanding where our beliefs stem from allows us information to then be able to change or transform them into a healthier belief.
- Looking at Our Past in a Different Way
When I worked at Weber State University as an Academic Advisor for Student-Athletes, I often worked with young adults who’d come from challenging backgrounds and often they didn’t have the skills to excel academically or in life.
One summer, one of the kids I’d been working closely with for the past four years disappeared. He didn’t answer his door, phone, or email, and no one knew where he was. After a month without contact, his coaches and friends were quite concerned. Then one day, he just reappeared perfectly fine. I asked him where he’d been.
As a child, when his parents had drug parties, the kids would simply go into the bedroom and close the door. This kept them safe. That summer, he’d had a lot going on and had done what he’d always done when he needed to feel safe. He’d literally gone into his room and stayed there, for a month.
I acknowledged that his response had kept him safe as a child, but now as an adult that automatic response might lead to undesirable outcomes, such as loss of job or disrupted relationships. He agreed. I suggested he might take a brief time out and then come back to his life. He hadn’t known there were any other options until someone pointed it out to him. Now, as an aware adult, he could choose because he knew the reason for his behavior, and the current and future outcomes of choosing that behavior again. He also knew that he could make other choices that didn’t limit his opportunities or damage his relationships.
Once we understand the reasons for our responses or behaviors, because we know where they come from, we are enlightened enough to make intentional choices that serve us best. The little rock wall climber looked around at her options and made the choice that was best. She wasn’t worried about stepping down because she knew it would then place her in a position to move forward more effectively.
- Starting with the End in Mind
Stephen Covey in his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, indicated that we need to start with the end in mind. If we know where we are going, or what we want to accomplish, it’s easier to make choices that will set us on the right path or provide those rock wall holds that get us where we want to go.
For example, if we want to graduate from college with a Master’s Degree, there are specific steps that will lead to that end. As a youth, I wanted to become an architect. However, though I love the design aspects of creating buildings it does require a lot of math. Math was not one of my best subjects. Knowing that the end required a skill that I didn’t feel I could achieve, I chose other options.
It’s good to be realistic in our efforts to achieve our goals, while still dreaming big. Many student-athletes’ goals were to go pro, especially in football and basketball. However, the odds were slim – being that only 1% of college D1 athletes ever make it to the pros. In this instance, they can keep working towards their goal AND have a backup plan in case that doesn’t happen. We can do the same in our lives. Dream, and dream with multiple options. Many of our goals have better odds than making the pros, and we have more choice about those achievements because we can control more of the outcomes. Have a goal. Work towards the goal. Be flexible when things don’t go as planned. Step back and reassess your options, then take the next best step.
Our little climber knew she wanted to get to the top. She didn’t necessarily have a specific path determined at the bottom. She simply took the next best step, and then the next one. Most of the time, we don’t see all the steps leading to our end goals. Likely, we are aware of the big steps, but not each hand or foot hold we will need as we progress. Being flexible along our journey can help us find meaning along the way while still getting us where we want to go, even if that end goal changes for the better along the way.
- BECOMING attributes and actions
Becoming means to “grow to be, or acquire the status of.” We never stop BECOMING who we will be. Becoming is a process over time. It helps to have an idea of who we are striving to become, what qualities or attributes we want to possess, and what kind of interactions and connections will be part of our experience.
Unfortunately, many people have not experienced or had modeled for them the types of relationships or interactions which they’d like to emulate. For them, it may feel like explaining to a blind person what blue looks like. There is no frame of reference for blue to someone who’s never seen color. Similarly, there may be no frame of reference for healthy relationships or responsible interactions for someone who’s never witnessed or experienced them. This doesn’t mean they can’t learn what it takes to BECOME what they’d like to create.
Through understanding the gaps between who they are and who they want to be, skills and healing can be applied to achieve this. This may require professional guidance, a nurturing support system, and pure tenacity on the part of the individual to achieve it. This can be done! It may feel overwhelming and unachievable to even dream about. Nevertheless, it doesn’t happen all at once, just one little hand hold at a time to reach our destination.
Once desired attributes for a healthier life are determined, then it takes practice to attain those attributes. It may require seeking out healthier associates who can emulate the relationship qualities desired. It might require changing one’s mindset, habits, responses or behaviors over time. It will require INTENTION and, likely, hard work. No one changes over night. We BECOME through practice, healthy choices, and perseverance.
Who do you want to BECOME? What will you do to take the first step? What are the end goals you are reaching for? What large and small hand and foot holds will lead you in the right direction? What things are in the way of your believing you can become the person you desire to be, or achieving the goals set? How can you change your perspective of the past or present or future so that unimaginable achievements become possible?
Remember, when climbing the rock wall, it’s not a race to the top. It’s about the steps taken to get there. Life is the same. It’s not a race or a competition. It’s about what we learn along the way, the steps we take to get there, and the people and experiences we empower along our journey to BECOMING our most EXCEPTIONAL self and living our best life.
If you would like support in gaining new perspectives on past or current situations or relationships so you can move forward in healthier ways, please reach out to BECOMING EXCEPTIONAL HEALING CENTER & RESOURCES today.
Follow Me On: