When children respond with resistance, violence, or anger parents may see this as a child with rebellious tendencies, or one who is disobedient. When in reality, often these responses of resistance are based in biological responses due to anxiety, fear, or worry. Especially with kids who have a tendency towards anxiety, we will see many of the following responses which parents see as concerning, yet for the wrong reasons.
Gaining Understanding
Children are still developing and have less life experience, tools, and resources to manage issues that arise. They may not have received effective parental modeling to know how to handle big emotions. They are still learning what their emotions are and what to do with them. When we punish children for responding to situations in the only way they currently know how to respond, we are punishing them for doing the best they can do. By understanding that, generally, children aren’t intentionally trying to be disobedient or frustrating but are responding based on normal developmental responses, life and learned experiences, and available resources and skills, we can offer more understanding and patience in stressful situations. If our children are struggling, we can provide them with understanding, manage our own responses and emotions effectively, and help them gain more tools to respond better next time.
People with a tendency towards anxiety are hard-wired in their brains to be rigid in thinking. They tend to catastrophize and think worse-case-scenarios. They struggle with change, uncertainty, and transitions. Depending on their personality and experience, they will likely go into fight/flight/freeze mode in situations that present new and unfamiliar things. Their initial responses are based on biology and brain-function, NOT CHOICE. Thus, a child going into meltdown or having a panic attack, or running away isn’t trying to be difficult. They are trying to survive in the way their brain is telling them to (fight with body or words/run away/shut down). Until they can understand how come they feel unsafe or unsure, and have effective skills to manage these emotions, they will continue to respond in the only way they know how. Punishing them for this won’t help. Validating their feelings, asking how come they’re acting the way they are (once they’re calm), or offering a 20 second hug to shut off fight/flight will be more effective in the long-run than yelling or being angry with them for being human.
Transitions can be Triggers
Transitions can bring up concerns for two reasons – uncertainty and change – both of which can be triggers to set off a person’s alarm system. If you or your child seems to struggle during transitions (such as dropping off and picking up) find a way to help them transition more smoothly.
Create a routine, something you do every time. This could be a song you sing, something you say or do like a ritual handshake, or carrying a comfort object. Talk about it together and decide what about transitions is hard for the child and what would help them feel safe and secure during transitions. Then try it out and see if it helps over time. Sometimes you’ll get a quick fix, but often it may take a while to get into the routine and feel comfortable. If it’s not working, try something else.
Routines and consistency help a lot to eliminate the angst of transitions. Having daily routines during morning and bedtime, travel time, and pick up and drop off periods can make a huge difference. Children who transition between two parent homes can also benefit from similar routines across households as much as possible, and transition routines or rituals that help them move from one home to the other smoothly.
If transition periods, like changing subjects in school or weekends, tend to increase challenging behaviors consider that your child may be struggling and feeling uncertain or unsafe during these periods. Find ways to reassure the child and make transitions happier times for everyone.
Uncertainties lead to meltdowns
For some, uncertainties are HUGE triggers for resistant behaviors and emotional meltdowns. This is because some children feel significant fear when they don’t know what’s going to happen. If your child always wants to know “what’s next,” “how much longer,” or similar queries, they may feel stressed when uncertainties come up. Often, by letting kids know ahead of time what the plan is, and answering their questions to the best of your ability we can either minimize or eliminate meltdowns significantly. It may take some questioning, tracking, or observation to figure out what sets your child off, but once that’s clear it’s easier to apply a skill for the parent or the child, or both, to manage uncertainties in a way that doesn’t trigger meltdowns. Remember, the meltdowns are the child’s response to fear or anxiety, not their desire to ruin your day or disobey requests.
Fears make them fierce, flee or flat
We can find out a lot of great information by simply asking kids how come they’re behaving the way they are. I once had a young client who was asked how come he behaved in a certain way and we learned that it was because he was AFRAID of being punished. That fear set off his fight/flight response and he would act out violently and aggressively, just like any animal in the wild responds to threats of danger. Humans, in many ways, are like animals. When we feel threatened or unsafe for any reason our brain goes into the instinctual part and we respond instinctively. Some animals lash out fiercely (lions), some flee for their lives (deer), while others shut down or turn inward (turtles).
Think about how YOU respond when you feel threatened. Most parents feel threatened when their children don’t listen, don’t obey, or don’t do what they’re asked to do when asked to do it. This sets of the parents’ instinctual response and they will respond by yelling, pushing people away, or shutting down. When the parent and child are both in fight/flight, this is when emotions can get volatile. Manage your own emotions BEFORE trying to manage the child’s. No one responds in healthy ways when they are in the instinctual part of the brain. Calm down and then choose the best way to respond to the child’s fear responses. Remember always, safety first.
Change channels chaos
Change can be challenging for many people. Personally, I can get cranky and stressed during periods of change. It’s hard, and I’ve got a lot more skills at my disposal than most kids do. If you or your child struggle with change, find ways to manage it. Plan ahead. Give options and backup options. If the child knows the plan is to run a set of errands in a certain order, and the order changes, that can be a trigger that leads to emotional outbursts. Give them the plan, but let them know that it might go differently. Here, you’ve eliminated the trigger of the different order.
When there is a planned outing, or a new experience or person, travel, or a change in routines due to holidays, visitors, or anything else, letting the child know ahead of time what to expect can diminish undesirable emotional responses to a great extent. Allow the child to express their concerns, to not be best friends with a new person right away, and to dislike new experiences initially. By making it okay to not be okay sometimes, we can smooth out the stress and concern for the child making the situation often more enjoyable and less stressful. Over time, they may learn to manage change effectively, or knowing it may be hard they can plan accordingly. It’s a process to learn new skills and figure out what’s really hard about situations.
Be patient with the child when they’re struggling. Validate and understand that it’s hard for them even if it’s not hard for you. Give them the space to experience the new person, place or thing in a way that feels safe and comfortable to them. Offer them options. For a new person, perhaps you can offer options such as shaking hands, giving a high five, waving from a distance, saying hi, or just observing until they are comfortable with more interaction. For a new place, tell them ahead of time about the place. Talk about how you feel in the new place. What do you like or dislike about it. Let it be okay if they don’t like it right away. They have a right to their opinion just like we do. Compassion goes a long ways in managing challenging responses.
Throwing out the safety net
The best way to manage big emotions is to, first, manage your own emotions. Then, help the child feel safe and secure, validated and understood. Sometimes we need to let them rant and rave to get out their feelings. Make sure everyone is safe by providing boundaries. Give the child options to safely express their mad, frustration, fear, or worry. For example, you can scream in your pillow but not at me. You can punch the pillow but not your brother. You can jump on the trampoline but not on the dog/couch/ etc. GIVE THEM OPTIONS instead of just telling them what they can’t do. Help them name their emotions so they recognize it in the future.
Recognize that you and your family might need support to learn effective skills to manage emotional turmoil. You might require help figuring out what is setting off the meltdowns because you aren’t sure what questions to ask. Always remember to address the fear, worry, or anxiety BEFORE punishing the outburst or anger. We can still have boundaries. Letting a child know they have a right to feel mad, but not to hurt others because they are mad is important. We don’t judge the emotion, but we can establish safety rules for how to express them. As a parent, it’s okay to walk away if you feel out of control yourself. It’s okay to say you are mad, frustrated, or not okay because this lets the child know that they can share those feelings. Show the child how to respond to big emotions through your words and actions. If you mess up, show them how to recover. They are going to mess up and they need to know it is okay and that they can recover from it as well. We don’t have to be perfect in our parenting. Yet, we can model how to be human and how to make things right when we mess up.
For resources to support parenting, anxiety, emotional outbursts, or divorce situations, please reach out to BECOMING EXCEPTIONAL HEALING CENTER & RESOURCES today.
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