At our mental health center, we work closely with children, teens, and families who are navigating the many ups and downs of growing up. One of the most common reasons parents seek therapy for their child is concern over challenging behaviors—tantrums, resistance, emotional outbursts, or what seem like “overreactions.”
The truth? Many of these behaviors are completely normal.
Understanding what is typical for your child’s age and development—and what may be a sign of deeper emotional or mental stress—can make all the difference in how you support them and guide them through these moments.
Normal Behavior or Something More?
All children, just like adults, have bad days. They get frustrated, overwhelmed, tired, or overstimulated. Their brains are still developing—especially the areas responsible for emotional regulation, reasoning, and perspective. What may seem like an “overreaction” to an adult might feel like the end of the world to a child because:
- They haven’t yet learned how to self-regulate.
- They lack the life experience to know “this too shall pass.”
- Their bodies are reacting to stress or fear with full intensity.
- They may not have words to express their feelings.
- They could be modeling responses they’ve seen from others.
Tantrums, resistance, and meltdowns are often part of healthy development—especially in toddlers, preschoolers, and even tweens and teens. These behaviors become concerning when they:
- Happen constantly and with high intensity
- Interfere significantly with daily life at home or school
- Result in harm to self or others
- Leave the child feeling ashamed or disconnected
- Are accompanied by signs of trauma, anxiety, or depression
In those cases, it may be time to seek professional support.
Behavior Is Communication
Rather than seeing behavior as “bad,” consider it a form of communication. Every behavior—especially the challenging ones—is the child’s way of expressing an unmet need, an emotional overload, or a struggle they can’t yet articulate.
Ask yourself:
- Is my child hungry, tired, overstimulated, or in need of connection?
- Is there a change or stressor in their environment (e.g., school, friendships, family dynamic)?
- Are my own emotional responses escalating the situation?
Sometimes, what seems like a child “not listening” is actually a child not yet able to respond in the way we want. Children are not tiny adults—they’re developing beings doing the best they can.
The Role of Parents: Self-Regulation First
One of the most powerful things parents can do is regulate their own emotions first. Children absorb our emotional states like sponges. If we’re angry, overwhelmed, or reactive, it escalates the situation. If we stay calm, curious, and compassionate, we model exactly what we want our children to learn.
Tips for Parental Self-Regulation:
- Pause before reacting. Take a breath and ground yourself before responding.
- Notice your own triggers. Sometimes a child’s defiance may trigger old wounds or beliefs like “I’m not respected” or “I’m failing as a parent.”
- Practice mindfulness. Even 2–3 minutes a day of mindful breathing can make a big difference.
- Seek support. Therapy or parent coaching can help identify your own patterns and needs.
Understanding Your Unique Child
Each child is different. What works for one may not work for another. Many children today have a strong sense of agency and are highly aware of when they feel controlled or dismissed. This doesn’t mean they’re defiant—it means they need more collaboration and respect in the way they’re guided.
Try This Instead of Punishment:
- Offer choices: “Would you like to brush your teeth before or after pajamas?”
- Show empathy: “It’s hard to stop playing when you’re having fun.”
- Use logical consequences: “If we don’t leave now, we’ll miss our storytime at the library.”
- Use transition warnings: “Five more minutes, then it’s time to clean up.”
- Respect their projects and space, just like you’d want someone to respect your time and focus.
When to Seek Professional Help
It’s okay to reach out when:
- You feel stuck or overwhelmed
- You’re unsure if your child’s behavior is developmentally typical
- You suspect anxiety, trauma, or other challenges may be involved
- You need parenting tools that are better aligned with your child’s temperament
Therapy can help children gain self-awareness, emotional vocabulary, and regulation strategies—and support parents in developing parenting styles that work for their child, not just a parenting manual.
Final Thoughts: Patience, Compassion, and Growth
Children don’t need to be “fixed”—because they’re not broken. Like all of us, they’re learning, growing, and figuring out the world one emotion at a time.
If we respond to their behaviors with compassion, patience, and curiosity, we create the safety they need to thrive.
And if we find that something more is going on beneath the surface, we’re here to walk that journey with you—offering tools, insight, and support for both child and parent.
You are not alone. Together, we can build strong, connected, and emotionally healthy families—one understanding moment at a time.