“Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve.”
Following, are five ways to embrace self-love and personal compassion. As you strive to engage in these behaviors, over time your self-love will increase and you will show more compassion towards self and others.

1. Speaking to and about yourself with love
Too many of us engage in negative self-talk. There is enough meanness in the world that we can at least be kind to ourselves. Often, this self-talk routine comes from words we heard from others as a child, or that we’ve said to ourselves for so long we’ve begun to believe them. For more information on the power of words look at my previous blogs on this topic. Many of us are likely not consciously aware of all the negativity that goes through our minds daily. We tend to create what we say to ourselves, and we see around us what we focus on.
CALL TO ACTION: Sometimes it’s too difficult to change our dialogue completely from, “I am overweight” to “I’m fit and trim.” Our brains might resist this new thought because it believes it to be untrue. Therefore, try saying it in a way that your brain accepts, as this will more likely lead to success in changing the dialogue. Perhaps try, “I am BECOMING fit and trim.” This gives your brain a goal, which it likes, and eliminates the resistance. We can take those things we say to ourselves regularly, and write them with this new BECOMING option or in another way that indicates a process rather than a current status. See how you can change the way you speak to and about yourself, and watch how this can change your outcomes and perceptions about yourself and the world. It’s likely that others will begin to see you differently as well.
Believe in yourself and your potential and abilities. No one is perfect – meaning whole, complete or finished – right now. We are all in the process of BECOMING someone. Our choices today, and the way we speak and believe about ourselves, will determine the direction of that process. Who do you WANT to become? Speak those words to yourself and make it happen. Who do you want your children (if applicable) to BECOME? Speak those words to them so that it helps create the dialogue they will continue. Focus on the successes of the day, not the mistakes or problems, and it changes our perceptions of what kind of day it was.
You are the only person you will be with throughout your life. Be your own best friend. Say kind things. Treat yourself with respect. Celebrate your achievements, efforts, hard work, mistakes you learned from, and all the beautiful human frailties you (and each of us) embodies. Speak the words that will transform you into the marvelous person you have the potential to BECOME.
2. Trust Yourself and Be True to Who You Are
In the book, The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, he speaks about the value of trusting our intuition and how we ‘unlearn’ how to trust it through the experiences of society. Trust is one of the first developmental stages we go through, based on studies by Erik Erikson, a leading child development specialist. Children who do not receive consistent care or who, due to life experiences learn mistrust may struggle trusting themselves and others. However, trusting is the basis of our choices, our relationships, and our responses. Those who trust self are more likely to establish healthy boundaries and expect others to honor them. Mistrust may lead to fluctuating boundaries or allowing others to breach boundaries based on emotional responses rather than determined choices.
Learning to trust ourselves begins with understanding who we are, what we need and want, and where we want to go in life. It’s often based on our values, core beliefs, and lived experiences or learned behaviors. By establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, treating ourselves with respect, and expecting others to honor our healthy choices, we begin to learn to trust that we can make healthy choices and maintain appropriate boundaries. We begin to believe we are worthy of this respect as a human being. Remember that others are less likely to consistently honor our choices, boundaries, or requests if we don’t do it for ourselves first.
Recognize that, if we didn’t start out understanding our values and trusting ourselves, that this will be a process of experiences that help us learn how to trust ourselves, how to understand what’s important to us, and how to express to others these vitally important truths. Who we are can change and transform over time, so being true to who we are now as well as who we want to BECOME is essential to trusting ourselves. Learn to recognize those gut feelings, intuitive impressions, and attempts from others to violate boundaries. YOU ARE WORTHY OF RESPECT! Always stand up for yourself, even if no one else does.
Learning to trust ourselves is a process based on experience. Gain experience in what it feels like to trust and mistrust, in order to choose wisely. Getting to know who we are well enough that we can be true to whom we are is the best way of BECOMING.
3. Establish and Maintain Healthy Boundaries
Not everyone grew up in a home, or homes, where healthy boundaries were practiced. If this is the case, we might have to do some research or look to professional support to understand what healthy boundaries are in the various arenas of life. Boundaries can include personal space, property, emotional space or how others treat us. Financial, social, mental and familial interactions are all aspects where boundaries need to be established and maintained. Without healthy boundaries, people can be mistreated. They may act as or be treated as a doormat, allowing others to violate personal boundaries in unsafe or unhealthy ways. They may get taken advantage of by salespeople or spouses, children or coworkers. When we love ourselves, we don’t allow others to violate our boundaries. We make our boundaries clear and definite. We learn to say, “No,” or “no, thank you” in kind, mature, and healthy ways. We respect others’ boundaries of space, time, etc. and expect others to respect ours. This may look like showing up on time, ending meetings as scheduled, letting others know when we can or can’t follow through with a request so they can make other arrangements.
Boundaries may include equally shared responsibilities and benefits in a relationship — meaning that each person reaps an equitable amount of benefits and consumes their fair share of the responsibility. Equity in relationships doesn’t mean the same. Each partnership will look different based on personal preferences, abilities for contribution, needs and wants. However, if one person is responsible for the majority of housework, childcare, and finances while the other person enjoys the benefits of clean clothes, food on the table, and no financial contribution this can create resentment and bitterness in the person who carries the burdens of responsibility with few benefits while the other reaps the benefits with little responsibility. This is a situation where boundaries were not well-established and which are likely being violated regularly. Communicating needs, abilities, expectations and desires and together determining what equitable responsibility and benefits look like in each relationship can create a healthy balance and lessen or eliminate boundary violations.
When we either don’t express, or don’t maintain, our desired boundaries we are saying to others, in effect, that the boundaries don’t matter. We are giving them permission, even silently, to violate or cross our boundaries. Thus, it’s vital to know what boundaries are important, express them and even discuss them as necessary, and maintain them by stating to others when a boundary is approached or violated so they learn where the boundary is. It’s important to listen to our bodies in determining where a certain boundary needs to be, especially when related to physical, sexual, emotional, or social situations. When we feel uncomfortable or uneasy, this can tell us that our boundary might feel threatened. Being alert to those feelings can help us let others know how we feel and that we are establishing a boundary. If we feel unsafe with someone’s proximity or closeness, we can let them know we’d like them to move away a bit (or a lot, depending on where we want our boundary with that person). If we feel overwhelmed or overstimulated in social situations, our body might be saying it needs more space or less input/stimulus and we can remove ourselves from the situation appropriately. If we are in new dating or social situations and a person seems to be moving “too fast” or expecting emotional of physical intimacy “too soon” or is too intense, it’s important to say how we feel, express what’s making us uncomfortable, or remove ourselves from a situation that feels unsafe or uncomfortable. There are many ways our boundaries can be violated or pushed. Learn to trust those feelings of alert that let our systems know that the boundary proximity is feeling threatened or has been breached. Alarms will go off in our brain, like the house alarm when someone crosses the threshold without permission. Those alarms are in our brain for a reason. LISTEN and TRUST and be safe within the boundaries that feel right and healthy!

4. Set Yourself as a Priority
Life is busy and we often put ourselves at the end of the to-do list or the last of the priorities (once everything else is done, which it never is). Self-love means choosing to put oneself FIRST. This might look like learning to say ‘no’ when appropriate or necessary. Making oneself a priority means listening to one’s needs, desires, and capacities and making choices that eliminate overextending ourselves. We might need to ask for assistance, or take our own time out to take care of our own needs for a time. Find someone to trade babysitting with so each person can get some priority time for self. Prioritizing self may require being clear about needs and want for self and others. Does that person need my help, or just want it? Can that person reasonably handle the situation on their own? Let these people know that we have faith in their ability to handle the situation well. Are there others who would appreciate an opportunity to serve rather than feeling we have to do it all? Do we need to reestablish some equity of responsibility and benefits in these relationships? These are questions that we may want to ask ourselves so we can choose when to say ‘yes’ and when to appropriately say ‘no’ or ‘not this time.’ There is not guilt in saying we can’t, or choose not to, do something for someone else. If we go around putting the oxygen mask on everyone else before ourselves, eventually we will pass out (sometimes literally) from lack of oxygen or just pure exhaustion and won’t be able to help ourselves or anyone else. Setting ourselves as a priority allows us to better serve others appropriately.
Likewise, when we choose to be our own priority, we are modeling for our children, and others, that we value ourselves and that it’s okay to take time for ourselves and to say no sometimes. This is a great lesson to teach. In choosing ourselves as a priority, we can make time to give ourselves the attention we need. This can be physical (taking a bath without interruption), emotional (getting a break from the expectations of others), social (spending time with friends), and the like. Choose activities that meet current needs, move us toward our goals, fill our buckets, or bring us joy. Thus, making oneself a priority enhances our lives and renews our spirits, and is a great way to embrace self-love and personal compassion.
5. Offer Yourself Grace When Your Humanity Exerts Itself in Undesirable, but Human, Ways
Remember that we are each human and, therefore, fallible. We all make mistakes. We engage in undesirable habits. We carry around unhealthy or limiting beliefs. We humanly react to situations or people based on our life experiences and repetitive behaviors. We are a combination of good, bad and, sometimes, ugly. It’s the same for all of us. Give yourself some grace and patience when it comes to human responses. It takes time to transform and BECOME better. But it can be done day by day. It is those very good, bad, and ugly aspects of ourselves and our lives that have made us who we are, and we can transform the ugly into something beautiful and meaningful over time by giving ourselves this grace.
Grace is defined as: simple elegance, courteous goodwill, and doing honor to someone by one’s presence. Thus, giving grace to oneself may look like providing oneself with courteous goodwill, like we probably give to others in similar situations. It might look like honoring ourselves by begin present in our own life and for our own self. Grace might mean being simply elegant despite the challenges and struggles we may be experiencing.
We can offer ourselves grace by speaking to and about ourselves in a kind and respectful manner. Grace may come through trusting ourselves and being true to who we are as a person. We radiate grace when we establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Grace is fashioned through prioritizing our own needs and desires, as appropriate. And, we offer ourselves grace by recognizing our humanity, our capacities, and our potential in meaningful and healthful ways. Be sure to engage in self-love and personal compassion throughout your life, especially during difficult and busy times.
If you struggle with self-love and would like support to improve your ability to engage in healthy self-love and personal compassion, please reach out to BECOMING EXCEPTIONAL HEALING CENTER & RESOURCES today.
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