“Self-love means having a positive regard for our own wellbeing and happiness. When we adopt an attitude of self-love, we have higher levels of self-esteem, we’re less critical and harsh with ourselves when we make mistakes, and we’re able to celebrate our positive qualities AND accept our negative ones.” – PsychCentral – Learn to Love Yourself First
Establish and maintain healthy, clear, and consistent boundaries that help you feel safe, respected, and valued.
It can be difficult to know what healthy boundaries are if you’ve grown up without them. Part of loving yourself is learning to recognize what is needed to help you feel safe, respected, and valued. Allowing others to cross boundaries of personal space, emotional kindness, or general respectful regard can cause us to feel devalued and inferior, leading to poor self-esteem and management of our well-being. Many people who grow up in abusive, toxic, or unhealthy families have experienced either a lack of boundaries or brutal affronts to their personal boundaries. This becomes the norm.
Until people have the opportunity to truly feel what it’s like to engage in healthy boundaries, they may not know how to recognize boundary crossing. Do some research to learn what healthy boundaries are for personal space. Our physical and emotional self and our property are all considered personal space which can be either respected or violated. Look for relationship boundaries that lead to mutual respect, interdependence, and equity of responsibility and benefits within the relationship. Relationships, where one person benefits more or one is expected to contribute more than another, lead to an imbalance of relationship equity and, thus, resentment or frustration within the relationship. Recognize that what feels ‘safe’ to one person may not, because of life experiences, feel safe to another. Honest communication can help each person feel heard, understood, and valued within the relationship. Learn where your safety net is, what respect means to you, and what helps you feel valued. Then, stand up for yourself to let others know so they can honor you in these aspects of the relationship.
So, figure out what boundaries you currently have, what boundaries you’d like to establish, and where the gaps are. Then begin setting and maintaining those boundaries consistently over time until they become clear to yourself and others. Hold firm, because others – especially those with whom you’ve engaged with in unhealthy boundaries – will attempt to go back to the old behaviors and boundaries, because that’s what’s comfortable. As you stand firm in your new boundaries, they will eventually stop pushing against them. Or, you may choose that this is a person with whom you don’t want to continue a relationship. Or, they may never stop pushing and you will then have to decide what your options are to feel safe, respected, and valued despite that situation.
Become self-aware of unhealthy beliefs and ideas that disrupt connections and lead to self-sabotage.
Before we can change something, we have to be aware of what needs changed and how come. Again, we can only do the best we can with the information we have and the modeling we received thus far in our lives. Becoming aware of our personal beliefs and ideas about life, ourselves, and the world around us allows us to figure out our responses to situation, emotions, and people. This can lead us to choose the best way to transform our beliefs from unhealthy to healthy over time. And it does take time. Our systems were not fashioned to change overnight. Although, that would be lovely, it just isn’t how it works. As we look at our beliefs closely, we can then (sometimes with the help of trusted friends or professional therapists) determine where and when these beliefs were established and what our response to them is in our life choices. For example, if we believe that no one will ever love us, we will respond to the world with a closed heart and mind to the love that’s available to us. We often do not recognize the acts of love offered, or do not put ourselves out there to receive love. This is one way our beliefs undermine our ability to connect and form healthy relationships. Many people, in order to prove their beliefs are correct, will engage (generally subconsciously) in what’s called ‘self-sabotage’, meaning they may engage in activities or responses that cause others to respond in a way that destroys connections or proves their belief is true. This is very damaging to self-worth and relationship building. Recognize when you are self-sabotaging and how come. Then, choose to stop and make changes. I’m not saying this is all easy. It takes self-awareness, a willingness to look at the hard parts of ourselves and our lives, and the guts to change for the better. It takes lots of practice, and often some professional support. Be brave and love yourself enough to become better.
Understand that mistakes are opportunities, NOT failures, and choose to learn and grow from them.
Have you ever watched a baby learn to walk? They make a LOT of mistakes. They fall down…and then they GET UP! Then they REPEAT the process of stepping forward, falling down, getting up, finding their balance, and trying again and again until they walk, then run, then skip, and so forth.
I remember watching a 2 year old girl on a six foot rock wall. I was fascinated because she was not afraid to step DOWN in order to move forward in a different direction. She didn’t ‘need’ to keep moving up and trying to find a hand or foot hold in the direction she was going and not getting anywhere. She just looked at her situation, stepped down, and reached in a new direction. Mistakes are like this. They give us the opportunity to look at things from a different perspective. We can learn much from mistakes that help us become better or learn new things. Embrace your mistakes with gusto! They are opportunities, NOT failures. Too many people simply shut down when a mistake occurs. There is no progress in this response, just discouragement. I would guarantee that if you looked back at your life you would see that the greatest progress or growth occurred after or because of some mistake on your part or the part of someone else. Also recognize that YOU are not a mistake. You are a gloriously unique individual with wonderful opportunities before you. Reach out and grasp the opportunities, in whatever form they come as you love your unique self and the mistakes that help your become your best self.
Recognize the lie of perfection and perfectionism and allow yourself to be human.
There is an oft quoted statement about how “practice makes perfect.” However, I had a dance teacher who told us that, “If you practice it wrong, you learn it wrong. Practice doesn’t make perfect, it makes permanent.” Whatever we practice, or do often and repeatedly, literally become permanent in our brain, in our body, and in our beliefs. If we engage in repeated unhealthy beliefs about relationships, who we are, what we can accomplish, etc. we are likely to achieve exactly what we believe we can, but not necessarily what we are actually capable of. When we focus on perfectionism and believe that unless it’s perfect (or we are perfect) then it wasn’t good enough, we underscore the value of effort. When we give our best effort, recognizing that often each day a different level of effort is available to us, we can be assured that it was ENOUGH, and WE ARE ENOUGH, and that our effort was ‘perfect’ in that moment because it was what we could give, offer, or achieve with what we had. When we, or others, diminish the value of that effort and accomplishment; we lose the opportunity to feel proud of our achievements, to celebrate our accomplishments, and to encourage others in their efforts. This is unfortunate. Enjoy each little achievement for what it was – your best effort in the moment. We often feel ‘less than’ when I look at others as perfect. The expectation then, generally unmet, is that I must look as good, have as much, or be as great as that ‘perfect’ person, who is probably looking at someone else and thinking the same thing. It’s a never-ending cycle of diminished capacity and uncelebrated achievements. Your best IS ENOUGH! Recognize it! Celebrate it! And continue to work towards even greater little steps to celebrate.
Live your life from a place of joy, abundance, and forgiveness for self and others.
When we’ve grown up in poverty, abuse, or loss it’s common to come from a place of resentment, scarcity, and pain. Shifting our mindset to one of abundance can lead to a sense of “enough” in us, our lives, and our emotional state. It’s easier to feel and express the lighter emotions like peace, joy, and love from a place of abundance because we sense in us that there is enough and expressing or giving these emotions or sentiments won’t leave a scarcity in our lives. Forgiveness comes with its own weight and responsibility. When we hold on to resentment, hate, and anger it’s hard to fully experience love and all its facets. Forgiving doesn’t mean that what the person did or said was okay. It simply means we are ready to let go of its impact upon our lives so that we can move forward. Forgiving doesn’t mean that what happened didn’t change us irrevocably. Nevertheless, we forgive so that WE can heal and move forward. As long as we hold onto our hurt, anger, or vengeance it’s impossible to completely heal and experience joy in full measure. We don’t forgive because it was okay; we forgive so we can be okay. In so doing, we find joy, hope and happiness strewn along the path of our lives in more abundance.
For those with a belief in the two great commandments, God said in Matt 22:36-39 (emphasis added):
“36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?
37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt alove the Lord thy God with all thy bheart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy cmind.
38 This is the first and great acommandment.
39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt alove thy neighbour as thyself.”
This would suggest then, that it’s a commandment to love ourselves. How come? It’s because we embody value and worth as human beings without any other qualification or character trait or material possession. We are loved. We are loveable. We have love to give. We can receive love from others. Though our value and worth doesn’t change (it’s always priceless), our ability to give and receive love in healthy ways can increase as we establish and maintain healthy boundaries, become aware of and eliminate unhealthy beliefs, see mistakes as growth opportunities, recognize our efforts as ‘perfectly’ enough, and live from a place of forgiveness, abundance and joy for self and others. Herein lies the power of loving ourselves first, so we can then love others better.
If you struggle to love yourself, figure out what beliefs are getting in your way, or want support to manage other aspects of your life, please reach out to BECOMING EXCEPTIONAL HEALING CENTER & RESOURCES today.