Effective Parenting of Adult Children: 5 Tips for Nurturing Independence and Connection

Navigating the transition from parenting a child to relating to an adult child can be challenging. As children mature into adulthood, the parent-child dynamic inevitably shifts. Letting go of the traditional parenting role and establishing a new type of relationship built on mutual respect and independence is crucial. Here are five effective tips to help nurture a healthy, positive connection with your adult children while supporting their autonomy and personal growth.

1. Offer advice ONLY when asked

    Most of us don’t like unsolicited advice from others. Our adult children are not different. Hopefully, we have taught them well in their youth and can have faith in their ability to make right choices. If not, we can reassure them that we are there for them and willing to support them as needed. Establishing open and honest communication routes, with the understanding that we are willing to offer guidance if sought, allows them to come to us. In this scenario, they are seeking parental guidance and are likely to be more open to our input than if we attempt to offer unsolicited guidance or instructions. This may send them the message that we don’t think them capable of managing on their own, or that we don’t believe in their capacity to make adult decisions. This is probably not what parents are trying to say in their attempts to offer advice but this may, nevertheless, be the message we send.

    We all need the opportunity to make our own mistakes in life. This is how we learn. Allow adult children to learn from their own choices, good or not so good, so that they can make better choices in the future. Telling them what to do or how to do it is the least effective way to teach. Let them learn by experience. When they come and ask for advice, guidance, or a chance to brainstorm with parents, provide a safe space for them to do so. They still may make a choice different than we would like. We need to be okay with that, and let them accept the consequences of that choice whatever it may be. Refrain from any “I told you sos” as this sends a lack of support message or that we knew they couldn’t make a good choice. Humans are smart enough to eventually figure things out on their own, if we let them, and we don’t need someone to tell us it was a bad decision.

    Be there. Support them. Let them learn by experience. And continue to support with love and empathy when things don’t go well. Then they will be more likely to return for support in the future. Remember, too much advice tends to push people away.

    2. Offer love & support without judgement

      Each of us has the right to make our own mistakes without fear of punishment or judgement. We will all make mistakes. My mistakes will be different than your mistakes, and your kids’ mistakes will be their own. Validate their pain and frustration, and refrain from judgement or saying we would have done it differently. Perhaps, at the right time, we may ask what they think they could have done differently, or what they wish had happened instead. This gives them an opportunity to see other options they might choose, without feeling penalized for the choice made. Let your adult children know that love and support is always available to them, even if we may not agree with their choices or lifestyles, or if these differ from our own. We can think about how we wish our parents had treated us when we made mistakes, poor choices, or lived in ways they didn’t approve of or agree with. Offer this response to adult children.

      3. Create an atmosphere of welcome & acceptance

        Home is really where we are loved. Where we, hopefully, feel safe and secure with people we know care about us. Unfortunately, many people in the world have never experienced ‘home’ in this way. Yet, creating an atmosphere of welcome and acceptance for our adult children in our homes now can go a long ways to effectively parenting them as adults. We want our children, no matter their age, to feel loved, accepted and welcome in our home or presence. We want them to feel they are always welcome.

        If healthy boundaries weren’t a part of their growing up home, it will be imperative to establish some boundaries now. These could include how we treat one another (i.e. making requests of time or property rather than making demands). What are the rights and privileges of those who live in the home as opposed to those who visit the home? For example, adult children may or may not have the right to come into the home without knocking or notifying parents of their desire for a visit. The property in the home belongs to those who live there and it’s important to respect the property and space of those whose full-time home it is.

        As we respect our children’s right to live their life we can also expect that our adult children will respect our rights to live our life. It can be common nowadays for children to expect their parents to be the babysitter. Some parents may have the time, energy and desire to do so while others may not. Creating an atmosphere of welcome and acceptance doesn’t mean allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of or putting up with toxic behaviors in our homes. We have a right to say what the standards of our home are, and can request this of adult children. If the children have pets, but pets aren’t allowed in our home, we can kindly request that their pets be left at their home. And the reverse is true. Adult children have a right to say that, if they don’t want pets in their house that parents leave their pets home when they visit. This mutual respect is vital in relationships with adult children. We can help our adult children feel welcome and accepted in our home and in our presence while still maintaining our own healthy boundaries and standards.

        4. Accept their right to live their life as they choose

          Personally, I dislike being told what to do. Often, especially as a child, I would do exactly what I was told NOT to do. I see this tendency a lot in our younger generations – this need to feel that they are in the control seat of their own lives. Few people enjoy having someone all up their business. It can feel like a violation of personal space, or a sense that parents don’t think they can manage on their own. We want to send the message that we believe in our kids’ abilities to become amazing human beings and contributing members of society. We can’t do it for them. They have to do it on their own (with appropriate support).

          Our children don’t always make the choices we hoped they would. They don’t always live their lives the way we want them to. This is their choice, and they will need to deal with the outcomes of their life choices just as we did/do. Continue to be an example, a support, and a guide when asked. We can let them know we want to be part of their life and enjoy hearing about their successes and struggles when they are inclined to share. If family time is important, perhaps set aside a specific day of the week or month to do a family dinner, game night, or other favorite activity. Let everyone know they are invited. Then let them come or NOT come according to their choice or availability. If they don’t come, it’s likely not about you so don’t take it personally. Again, this is their choice. If life standards are different, be clear and kind about it. For example, if alcohol is not part of a parent’s lifestyle they may say to their adult drinking child that, “You are welcome at the party, your beer is not.” Make it light and fun, but clear. They will hopefully respect this request. They may also expect that when these same parents come to a party at their home, the parents can support them despite not agreeing with their lifestyle when people are drinking at the party. Make the choices that work in your specific situation. As we make our homes a place where adult children feel that we respect their right to make their own choices, they will feel this is a place they want to be.

          5. Establish & maintain clear expectations and boundaries

            Boundaries are so important in all our relationships and interactions. When we are unclear or unsure of our own or others’ boundaries, boundaries are likely to be violated and pushed. This can cause people to feel unsafe or uncomfortable and is not conducive to good connections. By establishing and maintaining clear expectations and boundaries, talking about them, and making sure all involved understand them, we are more likely to have successful and meaningful interactions with adult children.

            These boundaries will change as children grow up because expectations are different. We may expect our teens to meet curfew regulations. Yet, adult children, even those living in our homes, may have more leeway on how they spend their time. We might be expected to provide life’s necessities for our children, while adult children can be expected to take care of these independently. Children living in our home may have fairly free reign of household supplies and resources (within reason). However, adult children may not expect to have free access to their parents’ resources or a key to the house to come and take what they please. Let adult children know what the rules and expectations are with regards to personal space and property, resources, time, and more.

            As children become adults and move out, parents may need to kindly establish new boundaries for their time, resources, and access to the home and property. If expectations change, but are not expressed, we can’t expect our adult children to know that things have changed. We may believe that they should know, but sometimes they don’t. It may just not occur to them. So state clearly even those things that seem obvious. This will help prevent violations of boundaries, and frustrations when expectations aren’t met. It might require sitting down with adult children and having a conversation about the new or changing expectations. Let them know what is expected based on their emerging independence and the privacy parents now have to their home, time, and resources.

            Conclusion

            Establishing a relationship with adult children can be a process. They are still learning how to be adults with new responsibilities and expectations, and new stresses and responsibilities. Parents may be struggling to see them as adults and to relinquish the long-held responsibilities of teaching and caring for their children. Be patient with each other’s missteps and flops. Open, honest communication, well-established and maintained boundaries, and mutual respect despite differences will help the process go more smoothly. Remember, this is a relationship we want to continue throughout our lifetimes. Thinking about what we want that relationship to be like long-term will help us determine how to move our current parent-child relationship into the new parent-adult child relationship we’ll have moving forward.

            If you are struggling to build a healthy parent-adult child relationship, please reach out to BECOMING EXCEPTIONAL HEALING CENTER & RESOURCES today for assistance.