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Rising Above Challenges: The Parable of the Divers

How do you handle when someone else wins or gets something YOU want? What are the challenges faced in life and how do you face them with fortitude and perseverance? When life gives you struggles, how can you build resilience instead of resistance? There are so many hard things we face in life, from childhood through adulthood. We can allow these to turn us into victims or into victors as we rise above the challenges and become strong. The Parable of the Divers is a story written by Stephen E. Robinson, which I will share below.

The Story of the Parable of the Divers

“Many years ago, when I was somewhere between nine and eleven, I participated in a community summer recreation program in the town where I grew up. I remember in particular a diving competition for the different age groups held at the community swimming pool. Some of the wealthier kids in our area had their own pools with diving boards, and they were pretty good amateur divers. But there was one kid my age from the less affluent part of town who didn’t have his own pool. What he had was raw courage. While the rest of us did our crisp little swan dives, back dives, and jackknives, being ever so careful to arch our backs and point our toes, this young man attempted back flips, one-and-a-half’s, doubles, and so one. But oh, he was sloppy. He seldom kept his feet together, he never pointed his toes, and he usually missed his vertical entry.

The rest of us observed with smug satisfaction as the judges held up their scorecards that he consistently got lower marks than we did with our safe and simple dives, and we congratulated ourselves that we were actually the better divers. ‘He is all heart and no finesse,’ we told ourselves. ‘After all, we keep our feet together and point our toes.’

The announcement of the winners was a great shock to us, for the brave young lad with the flips had apparently beaten us all.

However, I had kept rough track of the scores in my head, and I knew with the arrogance of limited information that the math didn’t add up. I had consistently outscored the boy with the flips. And so, certain that an injustice was being perpetrated, I stormed the scorer’s table and demanded an explanation. ‘Degree of difficulty,’ the scorer replied matter-of-factly as he looked me in the eye. ‘Sure, you had better form, but he did harder dives. When you factor in the degree of difficulty, he beat you hands down, kid.’

Until that moment I hadn’t known that some dives were awarded ‘extra credit’ because of their greater difficulty. . . .

Whenever I am tempted to feel superior to other(s) [], the parable of the divers comes to mind [ ]. At least a swim meet, we can usually tell which dives are the most difficult. But here in mortality, we cannot always tell who is carrying what burdens: limited intelligence, chemical depression, compulsive behaviors, learning disabilities, dysfunctional or abusive family background, poor health, physical or psychological handicaps – no one chooses these things. So I must not judge (others). I am thankful for my blessings but not smug about them, for I never want to hear the Scorer say to me, ‘Sure, you had better form, but she had a harder life. When you factor in the degree of difficulty, she beat you hands down.’”

Life is filled with divers who boast differing degrees of resources, levels of bravery, and hard experiences. How can we keep moving forward despite not having a pool for practice? How can we see the difficulty in the dives (experiences) of others and refrain from passing judgment on the ‘messiness’ of their form? How can we recognize our own bravery, determination, and sheer grit when diving into life’s challenges? Here are some tips to take to the diving competition.

1. Remember, our lives are NOT in competition with others’ lives

    From the time we are born, we exist in a world filled with competition and comparison. “My baby is cuter than your baby.” ‘My dad is bigger than your dad.” She’s skinnier, smarter, prettier, wealthier, etc., etc., etc.” It seems never to end, and our social media frenzied environment sucks us into the lies that these comparisons are actually valid and that they matter. When we begin to compare, we usually compare our weaknesses to others’ strengths, our lack to someone’s abundance. It’s not a fair comparison to begin with when we do it that way.

    Also, we don’t see or understand the challenges others face: the dark secret pains, the traumas, the mental or physical health challenges, the grief, or any number of other often hidden or unseen things that can make giant deficits in others’ abilities and opportunities. Comparing will ALWAYS make us feel less than we are. Don’t do it! Even though the world tells us we have to “keep up with the Joneses,” we may not even want what the Joneses have, or to be like them. Yet, we still strive for that because the world tells us we’re supposed to. Decide what YOU want in life. Decide who YOU want to become. Decide with whom YOU want to share your life. Then go forward.

    Remember when you were in first grade and you got that box of 8 crayons and thought the world was perfect? Then, in third grade, you received a box of 64 and a whole new world opened up. What if some people never have the opportunity to enjoy that box of 64, and are working to make their life picture with only 8, or only one or two crayons. Their pictures will be less colorful but no less beautiful in the end. Strive to see the beauty of others’ lives, and your own, despite the difference in color, texture, look, or mastery. Each life is beautiful in its own right because each life matters. If you want to compare, compare how far YOU’VE come, how much YOU’VE grown, and how much YOU can offer to others along the way. These are the comparisons that move us forward, the others only hold us and others back in our progress.

    2. Not everyone comes to life with the same resources or talents

      When I worked in the Athletics Department at a local University, I saw the great disparity between the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots.’ The haves are those who grew up with opportunity – two parent home, stable family, money, educational opportunities, social networking, plenty of food, safe neighborhoods, and connections. They knew how to navigate college because their parents had been. They sought out resources because they understood these were available to them. They knew how to play the game necessary to achieve their goals and get to the top. The have nots had more challenges. They often came from high crime neighborhoods, family dysfunction, and high trauma childhoods. They may have lived through drug parties their parents threw, gang raids in their neighborhoods, or childhood abuse and neglect. They might have been raised by grandparents, lived in fear of drive-by shootings, or wondered where their next meal would come from. They didn’t know college came with resources. They didn’t understand how to navigate higher education. They often were struggling to overcome the effects of trauma and struggled to focus on schoolwork. These different groups did not come to life, or college, with the same resources. Their athletic talents got them to college, but it did not prepare them for what would be required educationally, socially, and emotionally when they arrived.

      Recognize that not everyone in your circle of influence has/has had the same resources in life. Some have had to overcome so much more to get to the same place. They may struggle every day just to get out of bed due to physical or mental challenges. They may not have skills to manage their anxiety, to navigate employment, or to reach out for assistance. Be grateful for the resources YOU enjoy, and/or recognize that if you are struggling it may be because you lack necessary resources to make life easier.

      3. Refrain from judgment – for ourselves or others

        We often judge what we do not understand. Like the boy in the story, we think we have all the necessary information to make a judgement call. Most of the time, we lack sufficient information to accurately understand the reason a person behaves, responds, or comments the way they do. We are missing pieces of the puzzle, such as a trauma history that may cause someone to be triggered by our words or behaviors in a way that seems unnecessary or overkill. We may not see the pain a person is experiencing that causes them to lash out impatiently to those around them. We don’t know that our boss’s mother just died, or our co-worker just received bad news about a child. We don’t see the childhood trauma that causes a person to withdraw, or the sexual assault that leads to a person disliking social situations. We are missing the anxiety that makes a child melt down when being dropped off at school, or the depression that causes a teen’s tone of voice to always come across abrupt and ‘rude.’ Because we don’t see everything, how can we judge another’s actions, responses, or words? Because we are human, we will naturally judge people and situations initially. THEN, we get to choose if we follow our initial response or if we can take a moment to see if we can determine what might have caused the person’s response, words, or actions and respond differently ourselves.

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        We are often hardest on ourselves, perhaps because we do know our own histories but we don’t understand how these histories are actually affecting us. We may beat ourselves up because we keep making the same mistakes or choices. We may be hard on ourselves for not measuring up to someone else, despite not having the same resources with which to do so. We may judge our weight, looks, social connections, or friendships by how many likes we get on social media or by what society says we should be. We might not fit into some social norm, tradition, or cultural expectation and believe that we have ‘failed’ to achieve the expected outcome on the typical timeline. These are lies we and society tell us. We each have our OWN timeline, our own outcomes, and we get to choose this over time. When we give ourselves, and others, grace during hard moments, we allow us and them the opportunity to grow. Judgement only diminishes. Patience, grace, understanding, and love help each of us grow as we are ready and in the way that works for us individually.

        4. Recognize that everyone’s HARD is different

          We each hold differing strengths and challenges. Some come with natural athletic or musical ability, while others’ strengths lie in intellect or social prowess. Recognize that what comes easy to you might be the hardest thing in the world to someone else. My mom and sisters were always great at sewing. I struggled. I could do it, but spent a lot of time unpicking, so it wasn’t really fun for me. I loved words. I loved writing and make stories, and finding the perfect word for a poem or story. I had one brother who excelled academically, seemingly without even trying, while my other brother, just as smart, had to work at it 100x more. His hard, and mine, were different from our other siblings. Yet, all of us have grown into our own beautiful life, our own successes, and our own talents. Not one is better than the other. Each is uniquely exquisite. Each of us have experienced our own different hards. Perhaps, for several of my siblings, their hard was raising lots of kids. For me, my hard was NOT having the opportunity to raise kids of my own, and one brother’s hard was waiting nearly 20 years before being able to receive kids. For some people, being married is their hard and for others NOT being married is the hard. We each experience different levels of health, wealth, education, employment challenges and opportunities, family issues, and housing. Some live in affluent neighborhoods and enjoy mansions with space and amenities while others are homeless. Some waste food while others are starving. Our hards affect our opportunities in ways we may not even understand. Someone whose family has experienced trauma over generations will have less ability to mange emotions and make healthy decisions because, biologically, they come with a deficit – their brains have been impacted to make these more challenging than those without trauma. Their hards are compounded with challenges over which they are not to blame and over which they have no control. So, when you come to the diving competition – try to see what hard things others may bring.

          Conclusion

          Despite all the challenges and disadvantages we might face in life, be brave! Like the boy in the story who didn’t have the same resources, he called on other resources the other boys didn’t have. Because their lives were easier and they had more resources with which to prepare, they didn’t need to develop the tenacity of this young boy to try and, seemingly, fail in the competition. He may not have known that he would be granted extra credit for his hard dives. He may have simply been doing his best and trying new things, and succeeding marvelously. Nevertheless, it looked really messy.

          Sometimes our lives, or others’ lives, look really messy. Consider that they are dealing with some pretty big hards, or that they are lacking vital resources. My life has often looked messier than most. I never let that stop me. I kept going and striving to make myself better. Now, here I am. The owner of my own business. I have three college degrees. I still have a lot of challenges I strive to overcome daily. My hards changed over time. Yet, I have built up a supply of tenacity, bravery, perseverance, resilience, and gratitude which serve me well. Look around and see what resources you DO have that you may not be recognizing or utilizing well. When we experience hard things, we do gain resources – friends, talents, understanding, qualities of strength, and more. Don’t give up. Keep going. We have more to learn and gain along the way. Even if your life seems messy, even if you feel you are lacking sufficient resources, even when it seems you’ve lost the competition, CARRY ON. Someone will factor in the degree of difficulty of your life and experiences and will see how amazingly you dived into your life with grit and bravery, despite all the things stacked against you. Remember to recognize all the hards you’ve already overcome, all the comparisons and judgements you’ve withstood, and all the resources you’ve gained throughout the process. This is who you truly are in the end!