May is noted for Mother’s Day, a day which elicits joys and sorrows for a variety of reasons. Recognize that everyone, despite their past or current circumstances, may struggle to enjoy a day set aside to celebrate motherhood. This may be due to unmet expectations from self or others placed upon motherhood, or children who haven’t met parental expectations. It might be due to lack of motherhood options, grief due to loss, or wayward children. Feelings may arise when parents feel they don’t measure up, can’t do enough, or aren’t being appreciated for their efforts. No matter one’s circumstances, this day can be challenging for many people, not just mothers. Please be sensitive to others’ situations to prevent hurt feelings and offensive responses.
When the dream doesn’t materialize
For many years, I have hated mother’s day. It was an annual reminder of what I did NOT have in my life, but which I wanted desperately. I was recently pursuing an online calendar which notes all the various days of celebration and it noted this day in May as “Mothering Day.” I love that because mothering doesn’t require that one has given birth. It can be done by women, or even men, who are nurturing others. Mothering comes through a desire to care for the needs of others. It’s not connected to marital status, fertility or birthing abilities, or your current parental status. It’s simply about love.
So, if you’d like to be married and aren’t. If you’re currently married and wish you weren’t. If you have children and wish you didn’t, or wish they behaved differently or made different choices. If you’re trying to have kids and can’t. If you’re waiting and it feels the waiting will never end. If you’ve lost children through miscarriage or death, and ache to hold a child in your arms but your arms remain empty. If you are busy with young children, or struggling with teenage independence requests, or navigating adult children, you may feel that your ‘dream’ isn’t a reality.
However, sometimes we need to realize that dreaming the dream and living the dream will look and feel differently. In the dream, we only see the good and happy parts which generally come after all the hard parts. In living the dream, we experience the struggles and challenges, the time waiting and hoping, and the difficulties in others’ choices which lead up to the happy and good parts in the dream, but which make those aspects seem often unattainable or far away. It is also required, sometimes, to look at the dream differently. What we want, and how we get it, might be different than expected. And sometimes we need to wait for our dream, or find a different way to ‘mother’ than we planned on.
For me, I have ‘mothered’ hundreds of children over the past 40 years, none of which I gave birth to. I enjoy loving and supporting nieces, nephews, and greats. I’ve ‘mothered’ kids I babysat as a teen who still call me their “favorite babysitter” despite their being grown with children of their own. I’ve ‘mothered’ hundreds of young adults as an academic advisor, and multitudes of children in daycares and homes. And now, I get to ‘mother’ children and teens (and even adults who still need mothering) as a therapist. My life didn’t turn out the way I had initially planned – with several kids of my own – but I have, nevertheless, enjoyed nurturing and ‘mothering’ multitudes who have filled me with joy. So if you are at a place currently that doesn’t look the way you wanted, try looking at your life differently and find the ‘mothering’ opportunities that reach out to you. There is always room for joy. There are always those who need our love and nurture. They don’t always come to us wrapped in blankets, and smelling of baby powder. They, nevertheless, are as much in need of love and care as those little bundles of joy.
This is what I waited for?
Children come with their own personalities and often do not comply with the expectations we had for them. Parenting can be exhausting and frustrating because those little ones do not generally comply with our instructions, expectations, or goals. They have minds and emotions of their own. Even parents who were unable to have children by birth and have adopted, may wonder if it was all worth it when their kids behave badly. Children are worth it! The struggle is worth it! It’s important to remember that parenting is a long-game, not a short one, and everyone plays it differently (and kids often like to make up their own rules for the game).
Parenting requires a LOT of effort, time, and attention. There are often no holidays or days off, or even a good night’s sleep on a regular basis. Therefore, parents are often TIRED and may struggle to make the best choices, use the best tools for teaching, or manage their own emotions in healthy ways. Sometimes, we don’t see how our parenting process was until we see how our grandchildren turn out.
On the other side, we likely don’t wait for dirty diapers, temper tantrums, kids with anxiety or depression or ADHD. We don’t wait for endless dishes and laundry, dirty rooms, lost shoes, and daily homework help. We don’t wait for curfews, and driving lessons, and kids sneaking out. We don’t wait for kids who struggle with sensory issues, video game addiction, or bullying tendencies. We don’t wait for 10,000 meals to fix, and lunches to make, and peanut butter and jelly on the couches. We don’t wait for school supply shopping, and glasses, and braces, and haircuts, and toys all over the house. Yet, these things come with the celebrations – the baby cuddles, the kids who learn to manage their emotions and mental health challenges. We wait for kids to come in and share their first date experiences, their spelling bee wins or losses, their A grades and F grades. Mothering requires so much of our lives and our souls it can often feel overwhelming. Remember to focus on the successes and celebrations, no matter how small. Notice when kids respond in healthy ways and celebrate that, instead of focusing on their lack of emotional control. No matter how hard it is, there is joy every day if we can just look for it. Focus on that. Wait for that!
How come it feels like it’s never enough?
Parents often feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and frustrated with all that is required to raise children. They may feel that the dishes, laundry, cleaning, and driving never ends. They may feel they give and give, and never receive any appreciation. Recognize that what we do, each day, IS enough. If we have given all we could, today, that is enough TODAY. Parenting is often a thankless job. Kids are still learning to be grateful. Show them how by appreciating the things they do. They will repeat what is modeled for them.
What is enough? Is it when everything is done? When everything went as planned? When one meets the expectations of their mother, spouse, or kids, the neighbors, their church, or community? What is enough? Things will never be ‘done,’ and rarely do things go as planned. It is not necessary to meet the expectations of others to feel we are enough.
In a recent class I took, there was a quote that stated, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Are we comparing ourselves to others and feeling we don’t measure up? Others do not have our same capacity, struggles, children, resources, or deficits. We cannot compare ourselves to others and come out fair. We also don’t see that others are probably feeling similar to us in their sense of not being or doing enough.
Changing our perspective of what we deem enough may help us feel less stressed or defeated. As we recognize ALL we HAVE accomplished in a day (even if it was different than what was on the list) we are more likely to see that our accomplishments were exactly enough in the moment.
When I feel I’ve failed . . . what next?
We, and society, often judge our “success” as a parent with the outcomes of our children’s success or behavior. However, we don’t always have control of those little ones. We may be the best parent in the world, and still have children who make choices that are undesirable. It’s THEIR choice, not OURS, that determines their outcomes. {NOTE: This is not to negate those parents who are, definitely, not fit to be parents and who abuse or neglect their children, or who choose lifestyles which are damaging to their children. I’m speaking of parents who truly do their best to raise competent little people and whose children make choices otherwise).
Because we live in a world filled with expectations, we are prone to feeling we’ve failed at meeting one expectation or another. If the expectation in one’s family or culture is to get married and have a bunch of kids, and that doesn’t end up our reality, we may feel we have failed. If the expectation is to have “perfectly behaved children” (which is actually not realistic) and our children act like normal kids – sometimes quiet, often noisy, sometimes rebellious or emotional or angry – then one may feel they’ve failed at parenting. Being able to eliminate this idea of failure may occur when we approach life with realistic expectations, and the ability to be flexible when expectations need to be adjusted. This may require some education on normal child (or human) behaviors, what is age appropriate, and when something seems out of the norm and may need support.
Likewise, learning to be kind to oneself and others helps. We all have bad days. Each of us wishes we’d behaved better at times. All humans make mistakes and can learn and grow and improve. We have only failed when we stop trying. As long as we continue to learn and change and improve, not matter what, we have not failed. Keep going!
Parenting is a process. It doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
Parenting is a process. We learn as we go. Those whose parents modeled healthy parenting styles may have an advantage, yet they may still struggle if their children behave differently and this parenting style doesn’t work with them.
As soon as we figure out one stage, the child is on to the next one, and we’ve got to figure that one out. Or, we have another child who needs to be parented completely differently. It’s important to give ourselves some grace. No parent is perfect, because no ONE is perfect. We are all just doing the best we can under the circumstances of our lives. Help is out there to learn better tools, to understand each child’s needs, and to offer support to the parent. Take advantage of available resources. Our children, life, and our relationships don’t come with an instruction manual. We’ve got to figure it out as we go and that means there will inevitably be mistakes, mishaps, and learning curves. Just keep trying.
Rememberings
As Mothering Day approaches,
Remember that dreams change and new dreams we hadn’t imagined can materialize in the midst of our sorrows.
Remember that joy is worth waiting for, but can also be had every day if we look for it and allow it into our lives.
Remember that if we’ve done our best and done all we can in each moment, that it IS ENOUGH! Embrace the fact that we are human and fallible and beautifully enough just as we are right now.
Remember that failure isn’t necessarily a bad thing. People failed making lightbulbs, airplanes, and bridges many times before they succeeded at doing it in a way that worked. Failure is a learning tool, not a reason to beat oneself up. It really isn’t a fail, if we keep trying and keep moving forward. Change the perspective and we change the emotions.
Remember that parenting, like most things, is a process – a learning process – and takes time and experience.
Remember, that mothering, for many, is as natural as breathing. Embrace the opportunity to ‘mother’ those around us who can benefit from our love and care no matter their age, relationship, or connection. We all need love. We all need to mother and be mothered at times.
For resources to support parenting, healing, or moving forward more effectively, please reach out to BECOMING EXCEPTIONAL HEALING CENTER & RESOURCES today.