Being able to look at life from a different point of view, seeing things from different vantage points and understanding your history differently are important aspects of healing and moving forward in a healthier manner. Have you ever heard the phrase, “you can’t see the forest for the trees”? This basically means that from your point of view within the forest surrounded by trees, it’s difficult to see the whole picture, the whole forest, and therefore more challenging to find your present place within the forest and the best route out of the forest.
Wikipedia defines perspective taking as “the act of perceiving a situation or understanding a concept from an alternative point of view, such as that of another individual. A vast amount of scientific literature suggests that perspective-taking is crucial to human development and that it may lead to a variety of beneficial outcomes.”
1. Seeing the Forest from a New Vantage Point
Healing old hurts and life experiences often requires a willingness to look at our experiences from differing points of view. Perhaps we begin to see that our parents did the best they could with the information they had at the time, and based on their own life experiences. This may provide us with more ability to offer grace for their mistakes or misdeeds. That doesn’t make abuse or emotional injury okay. This isn’t about justifying that, it’s just about understanding the situation better so YOU can move forward. Understanding someone’s pain or diminished functional capacity due to mental, physical or emotional challenges may help us be more forgiving of the hurts they may have inflicted upon us. Recognizing that we ourselves are human and often make choices based on thinking errors, trauma responses, or lack of proper skills may allow us to forgive ourselves because we now can see things from a different point of view. This can be powerful in moving through our healing process (the trees) into a healthier future (out of the forest, or seeing the forest more clearly as a whole).
In therapy, this perspective taking can occur through various means. It might come from the therapist pointing out a different way to look at things. It may come about through creative processes, such a Sandtray or Art Therapy, or with kids through Play Therapy or using puppets.
Below are some sample of various creative processes with children and adults.
Several years ago, I worked with a 15-year-old boy with high family trauma and several severe diagnoses (Major Depressive Disorder & Schizophrenia). One day I had him do sandtray therapy. He placed several people (characters) on one side of the sandtray with a line down the middle of the sand. He placed one person on the opposite side. He indicated that this was himself. For him, it was powerful to SEE that he was alone on one side and everyone else was on the other side. This was how he felt, but to literally see it was moving. I asked if he could move one of the characters from the other side to his side. He did so. Sandtray can help us SEE things differently because we create a scene and can look at it from various points of view, as well as the scene itself being a different point of view than we see generally. This type of perspective taking process can be accomplished via drawing, crafting, playing, puppet play, and more.
2. Slowing Down to See the Steps Clearly
Sometimes perspective comes from activities that help us slow things down enough to recognize the process. Often, our behaviors and responses are so automatic that we rush from zero to 60 so quickly that we miss all the important details that occur throughout the process. I use an activity called the Thought-Behavior Target to help with this process. I apply it often with depression, anxiety, and emotional dysregulation issues. It allows me to talk the client through their levels of emotion between their desired emotion (maybe happy) and their most extreme level of emotion (i.e. suicidal). We get to discuss and think about what each of those levels of emotion feel like in their body (body sensations) so they can recognize it in the future. We talk about what thought processes happen at each level, what responses they may have, and what’s going on. It’s a great way to become more clear about what’s happening in their mind and body so this self-awareness provides opportunity for them to recognize warning signs earlier and prevent their getting to level 4 or 5 (i.e. suicidal). By doing this, we can then apply skills to each level that will work. For instance, Level 2 skills don’t work at level 4 emotions, yet are often used and remain ineffective. It allows us to see where the skill gaps are as well. This can also be helpful for parents, when this is done with youth, to see their child’s responses for what they are. I recently worked with a seven year old who was able, through this process, to tell us that he first feels “frustrated” and then he feels “fear/guilt” because he’s afraid he’s “going to be punished”. This was an eye-opener for the dad to recognize that the rages stemmed from fear, not rebellion. PERSPECTIVE changes everything.
3. “Baby proof” Your Perspectives
In many of our relationships, we operate from our own point of view on situations, responses, and expectations. However, so does everyone else and likely their expectations and responses are different than our own leading to conflict or misunderstandings. When we take a pause and attempt to look at the situation from the other person’s point of view, it can often lead to better understanding and resolutions. For example, if you’ve ever had children (or been around little ones) it’s common to “baby proof” the house. The best way to do this is to get down on the baby’s eye level to see what they see. Baby proofing from the adult level will surely miss dangers that can’t be seen from that angle. To understand where someone else is coming from, we must do so from their perspective, from their angle. It might change the whole way we see the situation. There might be a lot lurking under the table or couch that we can’t see when looking down at it. The same is true of relationships, situations, and points of view. We may not always agree with others. Nevertheless, we can respectfully agree to disagree. This is easier to do when we at least understand where the other person is coming from, or how come they’re acting the way they are.
4. Changing One’s Perspective Can Change the Outcomes
In what situations do you find yourself needing a change in perspective? Is there history of abuse or childhood trauma, marital discord or dissolution, parental divorce, grief or loss, crazy drivers, rude cashiers, or any number of other situations where changing your understanding of the situation may change your response to it?
Have you ever heard someone say to assume the person driving recklessly on the freeway is on the way to the hospital? Assuming the person is just rude and aggressive in their driving vs thinking there’s a crisis or emergency affecting their driving may change our response. We’re more likely to become irritated by the reckless driver and offer compassion to the driver experiencing a crisis. If we truly understood the challenges people face and the reasons behind their, often misunderstood, behaviors our world would likely be a more friendly, supportive and patient place to live. Recognize that EVERYONE has something they’re dealing with or have dealt with that affects their choices, behaviors, responses, tone of voice, body language, and so forth.
As an example, I’m a very affectionate individual. Physical touch is one of my love languages. I LOVE hugs, cuddles and positive touch. However, I’ve spent most of my life working in professions that discourage even safe touch so I sometimes come across as uninterested in hugs when that’s not the case. My response or body language is based on years of practicing an appropriate distance for the work I do. That ‘practiced behavior’ then seeps into my personal life and comes across as my being aloof.
How would you react differently in situations in your life if you understood the reasons behind others’ behaviors? What if you knew the rude cashier’s son had just died? The behavior then becomes a grief response rather than rude interactions. How about an irritating co-worker, who suffers from social anxiety? What if you knew your child’s rage stemmed from fear, or being bullied, or an allergic reaction to some food? Would you respond differently if you understood? Most of us would. So, stop and think the next time your response is one of irritation or impatience and speculate what might be behind the behavior, the words, or the response. It might make YOU respond differently to them, and that can make all the difference. Imagine giving the cashier a compliment for a quick checkout, or asking your co-worker how you could be more supportive, or hugging your child when they’re overly emotional instead of sending them to their room. It’s more likely than not that the child is seeking connection rather than isolation. But, it depends on the child. When we change our perspective, it changes our responses, and can then eliminate or de-escalate a possible tense situation. Changing your perspective can change the outcomes.
If you would like support in gaining new perspectives on past or current situations or relationships please reach out to BECOMING EXCEPTIONAL HEALING CENTER & RESOURCES today.